i ain’t afraid of no ghost

Death, sickness, Donald Trump, war, the destruction of our planet – these are the biggies, the things that scare most of us, right? I want to know what are the little things that freak you out. Here are mine:

10 not-so-scarry things that scare me:

1. Caterpillars: Y’all know that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when Dr. Jones and Short Round are trapped between those collapsing walls in a room is full of bugs (not fortune cookies)!? Imagine if those bugs were caterpillars, I would DIE. Literally, die. I hate caterpillars. One time at summer camp, our counselor encouraged us to embrace nature and hug a tree. I hugged a tree full of fricking caterpillars and lost my mind (thank you, Sarah, for saving me). Butterflies are gross too, but they don’t scare me.

2a. Treadmills: The thought of falling off a treadmill has always scared me. I get dizzy and run much slower than on the road. The fear grew when I heard about Sheryl Sandberg’s husband. It turns out it wasn’t the treadmill, it was his heart.

2b. Heart attacks: Any time, any place my friends.

3. Not being the first awake: I can’t stand knowing someone else is awake in the morning, and I am not – especially if I am not at home. I will lay in bed, and as soon as I hear a peep, I bolt. For me, it’s the fear of appearing lazy. Is this a phobia?

4. Not having a clock in sight when I sleep: If I can’t see what time it is in the morning, I lose my mind. A clock needs to be in view, and I always wear a watch as a backup. Life, in general, involves needing to know what time it is at any time.

5. Finding a dead body: Is this a fear or do I secretly (in my twisted mind) want it to happen? Can’t decide. I blame Law & Order, but frankly, I am surprised it hasn’t occurred yet with all my early morning runs.

6. Being a dead body that some unfortunate runner discovers: I don’t want to be a burden at the end of my life ruining their Strava stats unless, they’re twisted like me, and are struggling with #5.

7. Sitting in traffic on a bridge: I pride myself on walking/running across some significant bridges in my life (Brooklyn, Tower, Golden Gate, Confederation, Bixby, Queensborough, Verrazzano-Narrows) and I don’t get nervous but my god, if I am sitting in traffic on the MacDonald bridge, the subtle bouncing terrifies me. The same thing happens if I am under a bridge.

8. Chicken: I keep saying, “I’m going to eat chicken again.” But I don’t. I am not sure what the fear is because I eat fish and have been told numerous times it would be beneficial to my health but then one little thing (like walrus falling off cliffs) scares me into never wanting to eat meat again. WE ARE DESTROYING OUR PLANET!

9. Being pulled out of a crowd: I will never raise my hand to volunteer in a large group, and I don’t trust a busker. If someone on stage is engaging with the audience, I will do whatever it takes not to be a victim.

10. Watching others perform: My fears become other people’s fears (not necessarily for them but for me). I get performance anxiety even for people in movies. He’s going to sing ‘Killing Me Softly’ in front of all the kids at school! That’s social suicide! Don’t do it!

PS> That kid is now hotter than Hugh Grant!

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